Not a rhetorical question: Is it better to set small and safe goals or set crazy ambitious ones and fall short? Which one makes for a life worth living?
It seems like I'm setting up a strawman, but I'm not trying to. I'm trying to examine my choices and my goals in order to discover what my aims are. And how I model those ambitions and priorities to those that follow me, my own kids - this matters as my life is a jumping off point for them.
I need to be clear which way my thinking lies so let's start with a question whose answer damns me presently.
What would my kids say really makes their dad happy?
If they cleaned their room? Did their chores? What do they say I'm always after them to do? I wish it was "live a life of wisdom and adventure" or "be a blessing to others" - maybe I'd get a “be nice to my siblings” if I were lucky.
I grew up in a Christian home - where we truly trusted in Christ to meet our needs and guide us into wisdom when we needed it. But that home was a household of two and my mom was always worried about me because of some health issues and well... because I was the one and only - the hope of the next generation.
So we trusted God but we worried a lot. We majored in the minors (or so it seems to me - a man who hasn't yet parented adolescents). We trusted Christ but we were far from the fearless, generous way I wish I could say that I am - not exactly trying to fail fast and make as many affordable mistakes as possible in the service of finding ultimate purpose. Looking back, my mom was pretty brave in her choices (moving away from security at times toward opportunity) ... but I was usually encouraged to continue in my natural (read: fearful) caution. So conservative, so so fearful.
Fast forward twenty years and I'm majoring in the minors because I am afraid of missing an opportunity and afraid I've lost the plot. I worry about my kids getting sucked into the Internet and having their minds warped (just like my mom feared the music that my 8-bit Nintendo would mesmerize me into a trance). I worry that angry and deceitful actions that I see in them in weak moments could determine their future if not conquered now! I know that's bonkers. I know there's grace. My weaknesses never dropped me into an inescapable hole.
So how do I regain perspective and remember that wisdom is the opposite of foolishness but fear is also the opposite of trust?
I know better - that growing up (for us and for them) is scary and messy stuff, but you really don't emerge victoriously merely by valiantly dodging smut and conquering clutter. Those stakes are too low. You fight for what matters and win when you habitually taste the full expression of your gifts in the service of others. And if you miss it by your fingertips sometimes, that's how it's supposed to be.
Saturday I was reflecting on what young me could learn from old me about work. Today I think young me is shaking his head at the things I worry about.
I am tired of playing for small stakes. Not when there's so much to win and even loss is gain.